Just got back from Les Miserables, the film. I really wanted to love this movie. I mean, I was waiting for this since the day I saw that two second blip on IMDB. I watched every clip I could get my hands on.

But, seriously? Talk about major disappointment. Now, I’m not going to write a whole review of the film here, but I am going to give you my list of “Why Les Mis Sucked.” Warning to those who haven’t seen the film, there are some spoilers here.

1. Russel Crowe. What were they thinking here? I was waiting for Simon Cowell to jump out and yell, “Please, go home.” And I like Russel Crowe. But every time he started singing, I cringed.

2. What’s the deal with Eponine’s waist??? Am I the only one that was distracted by that?

3. Okay, so I get that they had no oral hygiene during the French Revolution (though apparently they had orthodontics because I have never seen so many straight teeth in one city before), but do you have to keep showing close ups of black encrusted teeth?

4. Add a song? Fine. But what’s with all the new lyric changes? Is anything sacred anymore?

5. Paris looked remarkably like Diagon Alley from Harry Potter. Did they use the same set? They must have.

6. Poor Fantine has to sell her hair. It was such a traumatic scene that you’d think when we finally get to see her in heaven, she’d have it back. Nope. Oops. Should have shot that scene first, boys.

7. Enjolras and the students. These guys definitely did NOT suck. In fact, they were amazing. Enjolras should have played the lead. The problem is that he and all the students were clearly theater trained actors and singers. Why is that a problem? They were so good that they made the main characters look worse than they already were!

8. Marius’ hair. I kept wanting to just brush it back or something. It was always framing his face and NOT MOVING.

9. Did I mention Russel Crowe’s singing?

10. Did you see that priest? The one that could sing really well? The one that would have made an amazing Jean Valjean? Oh right. That’s because he WAS an amazing Jean Valjean once upon a time. I cried during those scenes because all I kept wishing was for him to reprise his role and save us all.

11. No spontaneous applause after certain inspiring songs. Oh right, that’s because the singers sucked.

For the most part, I’m not a purist when it comes to movies. I can love a book and see the movie and not judge it based on my literary experience. But for some reason, I can’t get over this film. Granted, there are some good parts. Anne Hathaway is excellent and made me cry. There’s a lot more clarity to the entire story than I remember from the play. I really got the picture of the French poor. But all the good parts were not enough to sustain the three hour film. And relying on Russel Crowe to sing that major part?

No more to say here. Time to take out the symphonic recording and go back to Les Mis the way it was meant to be heard.