Dear Favorite Insurance Company,

Thank you so much for denying the claim for the recommended medication for our child! We never knew how creative we could get with brain tumor cures until you went against three doctors and a surgeon to base your final decision on the vast medical knowledge of Tom in accounting. In these days of misinformation and blindly trusting science, it is good to know that our health care team explores alternative sources of information and allows us access to those tried and true techniques like “bloodletting” and “keeping a positive attitude.” We are so lucky to be on your plan!

We know we owe you some money, but fear not. Even with the impending foreclosure and upcoming bankruptcy, and even though we are buying Ativan for cash from the alley behind the drugstore, we have designated you as the first group to get payments from our GoFundMe! Because what’s more important than our team of insurance agents cheering us along and dragging out treatment as long as possible so that we can experience the sheer exhilaration of watching our deductible reset on January 1st? Seriously, we cannot even express how excited we are for that day. Most people watch the countdown to the New Year from Times Square, but lucky us, we do it from your user-friendly dashboard. You should definitely consider adding a confetti effect at midnight to sweeten the moment. That would be adorable.

While we are on suggestions, do not – and I mean do NOT – change that glorious hold music! Having listened to it for upwards of about 500 hours, I think I am in the position to tell you that you need to take it on the road. Why deny the world the beauty of a sharply volume-shifting repetitive tune that evokes the wonder of being trapped in an underwater cavern without oxygen? And with my heart rate rising with each passing minute, it’s like I’m getting a workout while I wait for my claims denials. So clever!

Without you, we would probably be spending our money on trivialities like filling our car with gas, buying canned beans, or saving our son from unnecessary pain and so we thank you for keeping us grounded and focused on the important things. Like learning how to pole-dance at a local club to score some sample-size Zofran tabs from the doctors who show up in the front row. Can’t even tell you how exciting it is to feel that smooth, plastic, child-resistant bottle tucked into my bikini strap instead of cash! And no copay!

Even without the medication that you keep denying us, we realize that as healthcare providers you have our best interests at heart. And if that is making sure we are in ripe condition to be contestants on Survivor, well then, all we can say once again is thank you. 

Your bestie,

Adina