In the game of cancer defense, the key word is side effects. It was always there in the background, but now that the offensive season is over and the battle is more passive, everything seems to be a side effect.
WELL-MEANING FRIEND: “You’ve put on some weight. You should tell your doctor.”
ME: “No. I actually ate an entire Duncan Hines cake by myself.”
WELL-MEANING FRIEND: “No. Weight gain is a side effect. You should tell your doctor.”
ME: “Did you just hear what I said? The ENTIRE cake. By myself.”
WELL-MEANING FRIEND: “You should tell your doctor.”
Or moodiness. That’s a big one. I get angry at anyone and it’s automatically chalked up to “side effects.”
ANNOYING FRIEND: “You know you’re being snappy. That’s a side effect.”
ME: “I think it’s a side effect of you being an a-hole.”
ANNOYING FRIEND: “No. You should tell your doctor.”
ME: “Tell my doctor that you’re driving me crazy?”
ANNOYING FRIEND: “See? You’re moody.”
You can’t really win.
I mean, granted, there are a lot of side effects to the drugs I am taking. I’m exhausted all the time. Not just tired, by the way. Jet-lag tired. Like, if given the opportunity, I could sleep standing up. Which is kind of funny because the initial side effect of finding out you have cancer is, well, insomnia. Maybe I’m just making up for those months of sleepless nights with these current days of fatigue.
Then there’s the nausea. Yes, it’s a side effect, but I can rationalize that one away. I never had morning sickness when I was pregnant, so I’m thinking this is more karmic than actual side effect.
Another unfortunate side-effect to getting breast cancer is that my breasts have suddenly moved into the public domain and are acceptable topics during polite dinner conversation. This side effect was kind of unnerving the first time it happened.
MALE DINNER GUEST: “So, how is reconstruction going? Are you excited?”
ME: (spitting up seltzer) “Seriously?!?”
MALE DINNER GUEST: “I mean, you must be happy, right? Women kill for this surgery.”
ME: “Actually, I think it’s the surgery that kills them.”
MALE DINNER GUEST: “You know I hear moodiness is a side effect.”
Not only is everything currently a side effect for whatever drugs I am taking, but every physical ailment is a cause for alarm. I find myself constantly saying that line from Kindergarten Cop, “It’s not a tumah,” when I ask a friend if she has any spare Advil in her bag.
I shouldn’t complain, though. After all, one of the biggest side effects, at least hopefully, is that there won’t be any more cancer crossing over to other parts of my body. That’s a side effect that weighed heavily against the nausea, the fatigue, the brain fog, and whatever other gems this lovely ride plans on giving me. However, I’ve decided not to search for the side effects. After all, just because it’s listed on the bottle, doesn’t mean it’s because of the pills.
I’m tired from staying up late.
I’m gaining weight because I’m not watching what I eat.
I’m moody because…well, because people are idiots.
Though my husband has pointed out that my sarcasm has improved tremendously.
I told him it’s a side effect.
Categories: Fear, Insanity, Philosophy, Uncategorized
OMG I was laughing OUT LOUD reading this! Love it. Love how you take the mundane, depressing and carve it into something really entertaining & meaningful. You ROCK Adina 🙂
Why didn’t “Male Dinner Guest” get some sort of adjective? Like “Insensitive Male Dinner Guest Whose Thoughtlessness is Humorous but Still Irksome”? Oh, I see. It’s too long, isn’t it.
If I ever catch you taking a nap on the floor in school, I will not judge. (try it, it’s really comfy…#lifehack)
“Male” is the adjective. Says so much. 🙂
Thank you for making all of us Laugh Out Loud and for always finding the bright side in a negative situation!
Thanks Ruthie. Glad you liked it!
😱😊 You’re funny writer! Yes, most people who don’t suffer from cancer do not understand. 🙏 & believe for your healing & wholeness.
Thank you! And thanks for stopping by!
We love you Adina. K’tiva v’Chatima Tova! You should continue writing ad meah v’esrim!
I was laughing so hard at those dialogues! Man, even if it sucks having cancer or treating it thank u for that awesome spin on things. You made me laugh so hard, what a great way to start my day. Peace.
Thanks for the comment!
The public domain of your body parts does get a little silly doesn’t it? I had cervical cancer, can’t tell you how fun those conversations were.
Sarcasm is my favorite personality trait, glad it’s going strong. 🙂
OMG, I can just imagine! Insane. Hope you are feeling well despite.
Sarcasm is definitely a gift during times like these. Whatever keeps us laughing, right? 🙂
I loved it. Your writing style really put a smile on my face. כתיבה וחתימה טובה
Thank you! To you to!
Thanks for sharing – you certainly take the cake (just don’t eat it all in one sitting again…).
Thanks! I will try not to do that again. 🙂
Thanks for re-framing this in a way that only you can! Love you!
Thought you may appreciate this. Enjoy!
Thanks for re framing this in a way that only you can! With a lot of humor and a dash of “outta my way moron”! Love you!
Wow! what a great writing! keep at it! Obviously, you bring hope and happiness to people! that is some kind of Spirit you have sister! Thank you for sharing! PEACE, LOVE, AND GOD BLESS!
Brilliant, and funny, and poignant. People never mean to be awful of course, but I do think we are not great as a culture in talking about difficult subjects, and so we sure do manage to botch it up pretty well :/.